Midwife appt.

Had my monthly check up today. b/p was fine, weight went down (131@ first appt, 135 @ 2nd and now today 133), my heartrate is normal which indicates the weightloss is not thyroid related, but most likely just due to constant chasing after a very active 14 month old. Belly is measuring fine so she's not concerned. Was offered the quad screen (afp screen) which I declined as usual, no biggie. She gave me a list of area doula's to check into, I'm really hoping to have one this time.

Talked to her about the tailbone pain and she referred me to a chiropractor which I will see tomorrow and HOPEfully finally get some relief. Where I pointed out the pain, she said it seems more like my lower spine just above the tailbone rather than the tailbone itself.

My next midwife appt is Jan 15th at noon but more exciting......my ultrasound is that same day at 10 a.m. :) Rich is still trying to talk me out of finding out the sex, but he's not getting very far lol.

Guess that's about it........oh baby's heartrate was 160 which is about what it always is at home too.

17 weeks....

So I'm late on the update as usual lol. I'm 17 weeks 3 days today. Belly is really poppin out there. Tailbone pain so bad that I dread each new day. I go to the midwife on Tuesday so HOPEfully she can offer up Some sort of relief. At this point, I'm willing to try Anything.

Not much else going on. Good a good bit of snow last night with more on the way. Took kids today for pictures and that was a nightmare.

I've got a ham going in the slowcooker which sure does smell good :)

And can you believe.......only 9 days til Christmas!!! ugh, that means only 16 days til I turn 31 lol.

16 weeks....

I know, I'm late on this update. I'm actually 16 weeks 4 days today. And am totally Blah!!! I have some sort of stomach bug that has kept me in the bathroom almost all day. Having a 3 yr old and 1 yr old home all day when mom is either sitting or kneeling at the toilet..........well let's just say the kids ARE still alive so that's a good thing lol.

The good news, I'm feeling the baby all the time now :) As of about 3 days ago I noticed that every time I sit still for a minute or 2 I can feel him/her tapping away in there. Still taps, not quite kicks but not flutters either. Feeling a bit of rolling here n there too. He/She doesn't stay in one spot either, very active little one :)

This tail bone pain just continues to get worse, and now when I move not only does it feel like someone stabbing me in the tail bone, but now the pain shoots down my butt cheek too. It's hard, It takes everything I have sometimes not to yell out in pain, especially when I pick up Ashlyn (who is now around 23 lbs). I see the midwife next Tuesday so will talk to her about it but I'm doubting there's much I can do.

On another note........I think the time has come when I will have to slowly start weaning Ashlyn down to comfort nursing only (naptime/bedtime). I really truly do not want to, but it's becoming to much and breastfeeding is becoming less and less enjoyable right now. I have the constant sore nipples from the pregnancy hormones, plus she will not lay still unless she is tired so our nursing sessions consist of her pulling her head back and stretching my nipple way further than it's meant to go, she pinches and scratches, has bit me several times this past week, etc. I'm not planning to wean her completely, I feel her and I still need that time together, but with how often she still nurses it's just becoming too much for me. I want to continue thinking of breastfeeding as the beautiful and enjoyable thing it truly is, but if I keep letting this go on for much longer I fear I will really start to hate it and then the new baby might miss out. I'm going to start offering her the sippy cup more often and see how it goes. I definitely won't force her to stop, will just offer some options and hope that she takes them at her own free will. I feel guilty and selfish, but at the same time very proud of the time that i've nursed her. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that.

Sorry this got so long, off to bed now.

Friends.....

Through my years I've had many friends, some have been true friends, others have proved otherwise.

Today most of my friends are not those who I know in person, but those who i have met online. Some of them have proven to be true friends, as well as others otherwise. So here is my definition of friends.

A True Friend:

-she gives you honest advice when you're in need, even if it isn't the answer you wanted to hear.
-she lifts you up when you are down, and will never put you down.
-she sits there and listens to your problems, even though she may have bigger problems of her own.
-she laughs at you for being stupid lol, and cries when you are sweet
-she knows when something is wrong, and tries to help you through it
-she instant messages you a little smiley just to let you know she's there
-she keeps your secrets secret
---ok well there's lots more to true friends, just naming off some things that one of my greatest friends does lol. You know who you are =)

A not so true friend:

-will lie to you about stupid things
-only calls or im's when she needs something or wants to complain and thinks what you are going through is far less important
-when life is good, ya never hear from her, but when life is bad its a different story.
-doesn't repect your morals or beliefs
----the list goes on here too. If your an 'untrue' friend then you know who you are too.

So anyway..............just wanted to get that out :)

15 Weeks

So I am 15 weeks today.........hard to believe Already!!! Instead of just the little flutters here n there I am now feeling a little 'tapping' here n there. Nothing All the time yet, but enough to make me really start realizing Hey - I'm pregnant!!! lol. My belly seems to have really grown aLot this week. I finally added a new belly pic the other day, somewhere over there to the right is a link to them.

The only discomfort I'm having right now is some severe lower back and tailbone pain which has me trying to squrim right out of my body all day, and makes sleeping difficult. Everything else is going good though! My next appointment is on Dec 18th which will just be an uneventful check up. We'll schedule the u/s for mid January at about 22 weeks. I'm shooting for Jan. 15th since my midwife appt should fall on that day so it would be nice to just have both appt's the same day. I'm feeling as though this one is a girl........but we'll see. Have No clue on names at all. Gets kinda hard after naming 6 kids already lol.

I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I'm gonna have half a dozen kids!! Wow I never would have imagined this 12 years ago lol. Back then the plan was to have 1 girl and 1 boy. I wouldn't change this for the world though. Sure they drive me nuts, but I couldn't imagine my life without a single one of them.

Well that's all til next week!

My Christmas Tree........feel free to leave a gift =)

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Attack of the chickens!!

The Chicken Pox that is. Ashlyn started breaking out yesterday, had several in the dipaer area, 3 on her face, 2 or 3 each on her back and belly. By evening she had a few throughout her scalp. In this pic the ones on her face were kinda small (one just under her right eye, and 1 on each of her temples):

When she woke up this morning she has several more on her face, and lots of them clustered around her right eye - poor baby =( She also has a few more on her back and belly, several on her neck, her scalp is covered, and a few appearing on her arms and legs. Here's 2 views of her this morning.

Hers seem to be spreading very slowly so I'm sure throughout today and tomorrow they will get much worse. So far she's doing good, I do have to pat her instead of wipe her though because the ones in the diaper area are so bad. Guess I'll be letting her go diaperless as much as possible today.

Added 9:17 am - called the ped cuz her eye is getting pretty swollen and there's so many right there. She's calling in an ointment to use in the eye 3 times a day.

Midwife Appointment

Had my 2nd appointment today, I'm 13w5d. Baby's heartrate was in the 160's, I gained 4 lbs, blood pressure good, thyroid levels are horrible Sooo back to the endocrinologist OH JOY! ugh i hate going there. Same old same ole every time of him saying "i want to do this this and that test but can't" so instead let see how many vials of blood we can drain from you every other week.

Well I don't get to have my u/s on my bday =( Midwife says she likes to wait til 22 weeks now rather than 20 cuz they can get a better look at things then, so looks like I'll have my u/s mid january now. Oh well, I tried.

But all is well so I'm good with that =) I go back Dec. 18th.

13 weeks!

Wow 13 weeks already!!! Only 3 more days and I'll be in the 2nd trimester. This is going by so super fast! I hope to start feeling those flutters soon! The last few kids I felt them around 14-15 weeks, so should be anytime now :)

I go back to the midwife on Tuesday and she'll check for the heartbeat. I listen to it hear at home with the doppler once-twice per week.

I'll be turning 31 on Dec. 31 at which point I will be 19w4d pregnant. What better birthday present could I ask for buy my ultrasound!! It was be so neat to see the baby for the first time on my bday :) It falls on a Monday so I'm going to try to schedule it for that day. Will ask the midwife about it next week.

Well that's all for now, Zachary's chicken pox are all scabbed over and starting to clear up, so now the wait starts for Ashlyn to get them.

I'll update after my appointment on Monday.

12 weeks today - And Chicken Pox for Zachary lol

I turned 12 weeks pregnant today :) Only days to go until I'm in the 2nd trimester YAY!!! Not much to report on me. Pretty much same as last week.

Zack broke out into chicken pox shortly after he woke up this morning. I am very glad he has them and will have them done and over with while he is young, but I still feel bad for him. I'm sure Ashlyn will be next in the next couple of weeks.

Here he is before his bath today:


After bath:


Don't mind the chocolate by his nose lol:

11 weeks

Ahhhhhhh what's that sound!?!?! lol it's my baby's heartbeat :) :)



So I'm behind on updating as usual lol. That's no surprise to those who know me.

But anyway, nothing new and exciting to report really. Still tired all the time but not nauseas as often so that's a plus. My next midwife appt is on the 19th and she'll listen for the heartbeat. Lucky me gets to hear it anytime though :) Do you hear it? Isn't that a great sound? (if you dont hear it you either don't have your volume on or i did something wrong lol, i can hear it on here though).

Anyway, thats i for now.

Ashlyn having fu n.

Having fun playing with her clean diapers.

It's time!!

It’s that time again! I am proud to announce that I (Zing Slings) is a sponsor of the sixth semi-annual Great Cloth Diaper Hunt™!

How does the GCDH work? It’s simple! You register at http://www.diaperdecisions.com/pages/greatclothdiaperhunt.php on or after October 15, 2007. Then you visit all the participating sponsor sites and hunt for the Diaper Decisions™ diaper, to earn entries to the 65 random prize drawings, including Two Grand Prizes and one Ultimate Grand Prize!
For more details about this great event, please visit the Rules and FAQ pages at http://www.diaperdecisions.com/pages/greatclothdiaperhunt.php . See you at the hunt!

When registering, please be sure to use the dropdown box to say you heard about the hunt from Zing Slings & More! Thanks =)

1st Midwife Appt.

Had my first midwife appointment today finally :) Typical 1st appointment stuff, pee in a cup, get blood drawn, exam, and talk. She gave me a due date of May 22nd which is just 1 day later than I expected. We talked about my still breastfeeding Ashlyn and she said to be prepared around 28 weeks for the possibility of having to wean her. She said with the history of my last 2 babies coming early she worries about me going too early. So at around 28 weeks and after, if there are Any signs of preterm labor she will ask that I start weaning. I really want Ashlyn to stop when she's ready.......and who knows, she may stop before I get to that point, but if I have to stop I have to stop. I have total trust in my midwife and I know she would not ask me to stop unless it's absolutely and completely necessary.

Not much else going on. Weight was 131, blood pressure 120/60, and got my prenatals Rx. Expecting a call in a few days with the results of my thyroid bloodwork, REALLY really hoping I do Not have to start seeing the endocrinologist again, but have a feeling I will probably have to.
We also talked about diet and the do's and dont's and all that good stuff as well as the Quad screen testing which I told her I would be declining again.

Next appointment is on Nov. 19th.

Big Bird learns about Breastfeeding

9 weeks

9 weeks today! Finally had to go out yesterday and buy some jeans to convert to maternity jeans. I almost hate to cut these jeans up though! lol I went to the local thrift store and bought 2 pair, one pair are Guess and the other Levi's and paid under $10.00 for the pair and they're like brand new. Gotta love thrift stores!! And believe it or not they're even long enough on me lol!

I FINALLY get to see the midwife on Monday the 22nd. Insurance stuff is finally all straightened out YAY!! I miss my Bernie! (lol Bernie is my midwife). I thought my morning sickness was leaving me but I guess not, it just gave me a few day break and is back again, along with getting light headed All the time, even while sitting. Guessing my blood pressure is low, usually happens when I'm pregnant. I know the easy solution......drink lots of water........but ugh it's so hard to drink water!! Guess I need to just start forcing myself.

Not much else to report. Will take some new belly pics today and post them later. I can button my jean, but can't sit down with them buttoned lol.

My baby girl is 1!

Ashlyn turned 1 year old yesterday! Time sure flies!! She is feeling much much better now and had a great birthday. Here are the pics from her party. (Thank You Aunt Deanna for taking all the pic :))

Acrobatic Nursing.....

Ashlyn has some unique ways of eating lol.

Ashlyn has pneumonia =(

I took her in just over a week ago for a cough, was just a plain ole cold. Well Saturday she started running a fever, 102-103 + and even with alternating tylenol/motrin, luke warm baths, and a cool washrag for her head I can't get it under 101. Took her in today and 4 hours after Motrin and 2 hours after tylenol her temp was still 102.5. They did chest x-rays and she has pneumonia in her left lung. Poor thing is just miserable, wanting nothing at all but to nurse and be held so most of my day is spent walking around topless with her in the sling cuz with her fever I end up sweating like crazy. But hey the sling makes a pretty nice shirt lol. She's still on motrin/tylenol, neb treatments every 4 hours (albuterol breathing treatments), and antibiotics. This is her first time ever being sick and boy did she get sick =( I sure hope she feels better for her birthday this weekend! Supposed to call the doc back on Friday to let her know how she's doing as long as she doesn't get worse before then.

E.R. Visit

Haven't had much computer time so doing some updates now. On Sunday I spend 9 hours in the E.R. for them to tell me something they could have told me in less than 2 hours Had quite a bit of cramping and some bleeding so midwife wanted to rule out ectopic. Long story short, everything is ok. HCG was over 7,000, baby's heartbeat was 153. They wouldn't let me watch the ultrasound because I was sent from the E.R. so that sucked, but I am very relieved to hear everything is ok. Scheduled for my 1st midwife appt on Thursday this week but will have to wait and see how Ashlyn is doing. I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow.

7 weeks

So I'm 7 weeks today, and that darn little box above says the same thing it said last week! lol what's up with that?

So I'm exhausted. Guess that's to be expected though, with 5 kids, a husband, and all the sewing I have to do.........who wouldn't be? Still nauseas all the time, getting the wonderful round ligament pains, and have given up hope on buttoning my pants. Sure I can Get them buttoned.......but if I want to breathe I'll go unbuttoned lol. Was really looking forward to my 1st appointment tomorrow........but due to insurance issues I had to push it back to next week :( So now my 1st appointment is next Thursday, Oct. 11th.

In the meantime just trying to catch up on sewing, and need to start getting the house ready for Ashlyn's 1st birthday party. My baby girl will be ONE in 11 days!!! Where the heck did this past year go.

So that's it for now, probably won't update again til next week. I know I know, I'm boring.

p.s. click here for my belly pics.

6 weeks

So I am 6 weeks today. Not really much to update. I am nauseas from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. And even though I sleep ok at night (when Ashlyn lets me) I still feel like I didn't sleep at all. My pants are getting tight on me and by the end of the day I have to unbutton them. Only 8 more days to go until my 1st midwife appt. It seems forever away!

Well...that's all, will update again next week.

The Secret is out!

So Rich told his mom today, so we figured we'd better start telling others too. Would have loved to have stuck with my dvd idea at Ashlyn's b-day party.......but......since Rich let it slip there went that lol. So anyway, still have some people to tell but we're getting there. Got mostly good reactions. Although there were a couple comments that had me fuming a bit. One in particular was "One of you Better get fixed or I'll come over there and fix him Myself!" Well........ya know it's really just no one's business but Me and Rich's as to How many kids we want to have. If one of us decides to "get fixed" then so be it. But if we don't then that is our right also. I mean geez, I don't call people up and say "hey i'm pregnant now come pamper me" , and I never ask anyone to watch my kids unless I absolutely Have to. No one takes care of them but us. Heck we haven't been out with no kids since January of 2006!!! See now I'm getting mad lol. It just gets to me how people can sit there and judge and criticize.

'Eh.........why even bother lol. Let them think what they want to think I really don't care. I'll just sit back and relax in my crazy lil world of soon to be 6 kids and enjoy it. And Hey..........If I decide to have 10 kids.........well then that's what I'll do. And if I decide to have no more kids........then That's what I'll do. I just wish people would realize that no matter what their opinion on it is........it is OUR decision.

Just a quick update....

Haven't sat down here much these past couple of days since when Ashlyn naps, I've been busy sewing. My tote bag co-op is going well so I'm working on getting all the bags done up and ready to go =) I am very happy with how well it is going, now I can prepare to restock and get some fresh new prints and colors for slings! Another big thing coming up, is it looks like I will be a sponsor in the Great Cloth Diaper Hunt this year =) I am really looking forward to this as it will bring thousands through my site.

3 weeks today my baby girl will be 1 year old.....hard to believe it's time for that already!!! Sure goes by fast! She doing more and more each day and I think within a week she will be taking her first step. She's come close a couple times so far. Not sure I'm ready for her to start walking yet lol. It's hard enough to keep up with her crawling! And with the almost constant nausea, the up and down all the time is exhausting.

Well I guess that's about all for now, she just woke up from her nap. I may be a bit scarce the next couple of weeks. Need to focus on getting all the orders done up and also getting the store ready. I have my 1st midwife appointment on Oct. 4th and will be sure to update on that.

Check These Out!!!

Zing Slings has just released a Mini Reversible Tote Bag!! But they are not up on the store yet.........right now you can get these at co-op prices Only on the Granola Chicks Co-Op group! Similar bags are elsewhere sold for $60.00!! Right now you can get them for as low as $10.00!! There are 13 fabrics to choose from and they're going fast =)

Here is an example:

OUCH!!

Clogged milk ducts SUCK!!!! So yesterday my right breast started hurting. Figured 'eh, just pregnancy related. Nope! I have a clogged milk duct and boy does it hurt. So here I sit, hot washcloth (ok so i couldn't find a washcloth and so am using a cloth baby wipe lol) on there. Hoping this lets up soon!!

5 weeks today.......

So today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Hard to believe I've already known for over a week and a half. Still not sure it's completely sunk in........even though I've been getting waves of nasty morning sickness. Oh and the obvious, no period lol. We still haven't told our kids and It's driving me nuts!! Well I've told Ashlyn lol, I don't think she'll tell anyone. I've accepted the fact that there's just no way possible to hide this from our families until Christmas, I'll be showing too much, so it looks like we may be letting the news out at Ashlyn's 1st birthday party which is less than a month away. Most people would just say "oh you're 30 years old, come on now and just tell them and get it over with". Well, part of me wants to do just that, but then I think of all the negative comments we will get and I for now just want to live in my happy little world =) lol. I really don't care too much what they say, after all it's OUR life, it's OUR children, and no one but US takes care of our children, so it's none of their business how many kids we have. But at the same time I just don't even want to deal with their negativity.

You know how I mentioned that DVD idea (in a previous post). Well I thought now maybe I'll just do up a slideshow of Ashlyn's 1st year to show at her bday party and put the news on there, then a friend, Maureen, had suggested giving the DVD's out as party favors at her party and letting the family then go home and watch them. I like that idea =) That we can choose whether or not to answer the phone when they call to say what they have to say lol. Ugh I wish they could just all be happy for us, but I know that won't be the case.

Ahhh yes, Now I remember.......

what it feels like to be pregnant!! Ha ha, i was pregnant this time last year too......how soon we forget huh? Morning sickness has decided to pay me a visit. She's like that nagging mother in law that never leaves!! Just nags more and more each day. Yep, that's my new look on morning sickness. Went out and bought me a big ole box of Saltine's today. Ooooh yummie!!! (insert sarcasm here). I am totally worn out, and still have to get my house clean, bathe kids, bake a birthday cake, and I'm forgetting something else...........all before 2 p.m. tomorrow when we're having our son's birthday party. Wow.......there will be 6 birthdays in my house before this little one comes along. 2 in sept (son and hubby), 1 in oct., me in dec. 1 in jan. and 1 in march. Zachary is the only one who wont turn a year old before this one is born, his bday is in June.

ok my rambling is done....................for now.

Friday Fill-In

1. I met him _online____.
2. We dated _19 months____ before we got engaged.
3. I knew he was the one _about 3 months into the relationship_.
4. The thing I like best about him _he was great with my kids____.
5. When he proposed _Sept. 20, 2001 -lol, he said "hey by the way, we're getting married next summer!_.
6. The song we had/want at our wedding _just typical wedding songs____.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _a full nights sleep____, tomorrow my plans include _absolutely nothing____ and Sunday, I want to __-am throwing a bday party for my son___!

For more Friday Fill-In's, visit http://www.fondofsnape.com/archives/friday_fillin/

Thursday Thirteen - 110th edition

13 Reasons that I choose to breastfeed (in no particular order)

1. It's the best nutrition I can give my child
2. The milk is always the perfect temperature
3. The bonding time is priceless
4. I will never run out
5. It's something Only I can give to my child
6. I never have to wash the bottles
7. The milk is always ready
8. I never have to worry the milk sat out too long
9. Never having to prepare a bottle in the middle of the night
10. It's Free
11. I can put my daughter in the sling and feed her hands free
12. I never have to pack up bottles for an outting
13. I get to actually Have breasts for awhile LOL


check out more Thursday Thirteen's here: http://thursdaythirteen.com/2007/09/12/110th-edition-of-thursday-thirteen/

Wordless Wednesday

Asleep on the job.

check out others' WW pics at http://wordlesswednesday.com/

All updates will be here.......

Many of you remember how I kept a journal of my pregnancy with Ashlyn on Myspace. Well since I have family on my Myspace, there will be no talk of this there for now. So all pregnancy updates will be done here.

I've also decided how we will tell our families :) 2 years ago I made a dvd slideshow that showed all the kids from birth up to that time and gave the dvd's as Christmas gifts. I am going to do that again this year. At the beginning of the DVD it will say "stay tuned after the show for a special preview" and after the slideshow is over it will say "Premiering in May 2008................." and then there will be an ultrasound picture (if I have one), if not it will be a pic of the pregnancy test lol.

This is............IF I can hide it until December lol.

My new poll........

No silly, not the new dancing poll!! I mean the voting poll over there to the right =)

Our families will be less than thrilled to hear we are expecting again. So let us know what you think. Are we as crazy and stupid as they're going to say we are?

And then there was.......

SIX!!! Yes by spring of next year it will no longer be 'a day in my life with 5 kids'......it will be SIX! I'm happy, I'm in shock, I'm nervous lol. But hey I have 5 already, what's one more right?

We're having another baby :) :) :)

I LOVE pregnancy. (yeah i guess that's pretty obvious huh lol).

Best Shot Monday

Here's my best shot of the week!


Check out more best shot's at http://picturethis.clubmom.com/

If you cloth diaper.....

check out this contest! It's for a 1 lb. package of "Little Miracles for Diapers & Pails *diaper wash and pail deodorizer*"

Wordless Wednesday

Who needs toys......

when you have curtains!?

Watch and Learn..........I love this Ad!

The U.S.A. needs to get off their butts and start getting ads out like this!!

9 Months Old.

Ashlyn is 9 months old today! Not sure where the time has gone. Here she is just after a bath the other day.
She just cut her 4th tooth so now has her 2 bottom front teeth, and 2 top front teeth. She's mastered crawling and walking along furniture and gets a little braver each day with letting go of the furniture and trying to stand unsupported. She babbles on for hours and has a smile that lights up the room.

A few recent pics....

Zachary's 3rd Birthday party.

His 'Cars' cake.

Ashlyn & Daddy at her first 4th of July parade.

For my nosy family members......

that ask...............the answer is..................


Here's Ashlyn in her custom "Yes, I'm STILL nursing" shirt =)
And to the people around me who don't like it...................well tough shit lol. She's my baby and I'll breastfeed her as long as SHE wants me too.

Cloth Diapers.........

Something that I never thought I'd get excited about lol. But after seeing how much cloth diapers have improved over the years, and how darn cute they are, I decided to give them a try. Well it took me almost 2 months of searching and testing to find the right diaper, but I've finally found it and am now officially cloth diapering full time! They're so easy to wash, look so cute on Ashlyn, and are so much better for her sensitive skin :o) Here's a pic of her today.

Finally a Dishwasher!!!!!

I'm so excited to Finally have a dishwasher!! Ok so almost have one anyway lol, it's here but is sitting in the garage. My brother in law will be here today to finish the installation WOO HOO! I've never had a dishwasher and with a family of 7.........well it was very badly needed lol. Got a new vacuum too and omg it's disgusting how much crap my old vacuum was leaving behind!!!! And Ashlyn was crawling around in all that nasty stuff?! YUCK!

Can she get any cuter???

A little bit of everything and lots of pics

This will probably be pretty pic heavy, so I apologize to those with dial up. But here's some recent pics.

Here's Nate with some stickers from school, Dylan being goofy, and Zachary......well I have no clue what that look was for.



Meagan and Ashlyn:



Ashlyn and my grandma:



And here's the lil bunny that's been hanging out in our backyard.

Figured why not......

join the blogger craze lol. Sure I have my blog on myspace, but I always forget to update it, and them my friends who don't have myspace can't view it so why not start one here.

So here I am.